1. Go to switch on the kettle, then remember you haven’t replaced the broken one yet. Begrudgingly take out a pot and fill it with water. Before, you would pour boiling water over ramen in a bowl, then place a plate on top. In the end, you find this new technique is worth the extra strain.
2. Pour some salt in the water so it boils faster. Or is it for flavour? Both? Either way, when cooking, salt is usually required so sprinkle some in.
Berate yourself for not cooking a proper meal. Proper adults with proper jobs who properly contribute to society do not eat ramen at 11pm for dinner.
3. Remember the importance of three meals a day. There are not good foods or bad foods, there is simply food, which your body both needs and deserves. Alternatively, remember that multimillion-pound businesses profit off your insecurity and eat out of spite.
4. Snap your ramen in two and put it in the pot once the water has come to a boil. Or put it in before. It probably doesn’t matter.
5. Stir in the flavour sachet. Ponder whether chicken-flavoured ramen means you’re cheating on your new vegetarian diet.
6. Check the packaging and find out chicken broth is used to make the powder. Oh well, the world is dying anyway.
7. The packet says it takes four minutes to cook, but you like to be thorough, so stir for eight and zone out for another two. You can be assured that it absolutely is not undercooked.
8. Turn off the stove. You can eat it from the pot, but if you like to lay down as you eat, a bowl is necessary to avoid burning yourself. If it’s clean, use your favourite bowl. If you’re feeling especially fancy, you can eat it with chopsticks. Leave the pot in the sink for three days before you finally wash it up.
9. Eat and be pleasantly surprised that it’s actually quite good. The static should subside at this point.
10. Well done. You’re doing a lot better than you realise.
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